“You R who you choose 2 be”
Who am I? This is an evolving story for me. One in which I am sharing, healing, and growing from.
From birth, life was difficult. My mother was a struggling heroin addict who suffered her own broken, dysfunctional and abusive childhood, which she repeated. I was raised in a drug-infested home full of shame, neglect, rejection, and cruelty. I was bounced between my mother and my grandmother. It was like going from Heaven to Hell.
I endured abuses of every kind from A – Z; gun threats, sexual, verbal, physical abuse, and the unmentionables (SRA) Ritual Abuse. At age eleven, my mom broke, and as a result of that, my life went from a nightmare to horror story. I ran away and eventually was picked up by Child Protective Services. I ended up in a shelter for sexually abused girls for about a year.
My aunt and uncle were awarded temporary custody of me. I attended the sixth grade while living with them. I became an honor roll student, joined chorus and did very well. Unfortunately, the following year, my mother met the courts criteria and I was forced back. The dynamics changed and I found myself a prisoner in my own home. My mother was a paranoid schizophrenic still heavily using drugs. Due to my previous actions my mother’s anger and resentment toward me was stronger than ever.
Again at sixteen I left with the clothes on my back. 18 months later, very pregnant, I returned home. Reluctantly, my mother allowed it. This was the only time I felt at home. My mother gave me attention and helped me prepare for the baby.
Days before my delivery my mother gave me an ultimatum. Stay here no baby or keep baby and figure it out on your own; devastated, feeling kicked while down. After a long drive and some thought I returned and told my mother, “Fine you win, but you’re going to pay for this for the rest of your life, and you handle it all.”
My mother handled all the arrangements and the first family I considered offered me a lot of money in exchange for my child. I intended to use the money for an education to change my life. I told myself I wasn’t selling my baby, rather giving myself a fresh start and a future. After a conversation with the woman, I realized that she did not care about me, just my baby.
A major blessing, my mother suggested her best friend; who was unable to bare a child. My heart was filled with love, peace and I knew that this is where my baby belonged. It was a miracle.
That summer I got my GED, started in real estate, and never looked back. I went about life as if nothing had ever been wrong, and by the time I was 25 years old, I was the V.P. Branch Manager of an Escrow office.
In 2004 my mother got clean for the first time in 30 + years. She became the mother I always wished she had been, but that didn’t matter because I was too wrapped up in myself. I was so proud because I was successful; I was living my own lifestyle, I did not need anyone! For these exact reasons and more my mother expressed her pride in me. For the first time in my life, I felt that she loved me.
Then, my mother died, unexpectedly; I was 8 months pregnant. I endured a traumatic delivery and equally traumatic postpartum experience. In short to save the drama my mom died, I got married, gave birth, resigned from my career and then my husband filed for divorce. I suddenly found myself homeless living in a hotel with a baby. My thyroid exploded my body flooded with toxins meanwhile I’m struggling with life.
I turned to an old business associate who in his mercy granted my son and I a place to reside while I nursed myself back to health. I made the climb back up; then my friends and family took notice.
My thyroid was still hormonally unstable when a wave came crashing down on me; I call this wave family feud. This feud swiped my feet right out from underneath me causing re-stimulated memories from my past…
This resulted in a complete physical, mental and emotional breakdown. My thyroid plummeted, and my health declined. I was again living the life I was raised in. Finally, one day I got on my knees, looked up, and begged God for help.
This prayer changed everything. Within a few short weeks, my thyroid miraculously returned to normal, and I was healed. I know that God’s mercy touched me. I started taking a good look around and realized for the first time that I had been doing some things wrong. I began reading the Bible daily in an attempt the get my life back.
However, I did not get my old life back; I got a new life full of love, friends, family, humility, and healing. It was not easy, but I no longer have to face life’s adversaries alone. I give them to Christ and push forward in following His example.
I have come to belief life is a big circle of healing. What we give comes back. All I desire is to help others. Not only does this bring me great joy it helps me continue in my healing. My message is simple and real: IT CAN BE DONE. I am proof that the Atonement of Jesus Christ will work in your life if you will allow it.
So, Who am I? I am an evolving story just like you; I continue to grow, discover, and change. I hope my sharing has inspired you to know where to go now for healing, hope and support.
Thank you & God Bless,